Saturday, December 29, 2012

Ticket no. 600 - not so long ago, one day in Ohio


600 tickets in my collection is a fact. Behind the jubilee ticket No. 600 lies a short story. This story told me my brother Pat, the sheriff in southern Ohio. Meet Pat and his story. By the way, please,
do not take the story too seriously.
Day like every day, standard patrol on State Route No. 33 somewhere amidst the endless fields of corn. Just Ohio. You know what I mean.
Bored sheriff Pat
 
The heat was unbearable and the only thing about which I dreamed, it was a cold can of Coors beer. On the radio flew “Mama Said”. Did I say “Mama Said”?. Well, maybe it was not my favorite song of Metallica but it's better than all this new music .... You know ...gay boys bands, one hit stars etc. Fuck. Why all these radio stations do not play songs like “Creeping Death”?. Fuck the heat, fuck the thirst, fuck “Mama Said" !!!

[Boredom]
[Why not keep a car for inspection? Should be fun.]
I saw the car ....
I saw the car. I thought to myself –[man, whoever you are you are out of luck today]. It was not a sports sedan or convertible but old battered Ford Fiesta. Car drove past me and stopped a few feet in front of police car. I saw two young boys inside. [Probably drunk local farmers]. From inside the car you could hear the deafening roar of the music.
 
...turn down the music!!!
 
- Turn down the music, turn down the music ...and get off the car. 
 
- Why?. We broke a rule?
- Are You deaf?.  Just get off the car ….and turn down the music!!!
They both stood by the car.
- Kids, you have any id’s?
Now I recognized the song that was coming from a tape in the car. It was Poison song entitled “Cry Tough”. What a shit. They gave me their driver's license. Tony Canelloni and Kenneth Goldblum. Both from Chicago. I looked at them. One fatty (around 112 kg) from Little Italia and second dumb asshole from rich family probably from Lincoln Park....Kenneth ? What a name!!.
 
Kenneth "gay green sweater" Goldblum and Tonny 'WHITE JEANS" Canelloni
 
- Where are you from kids?
- From Chicago (Kenneth answered)
- May I ask, where are You going?
- To New York – said fatty
- Where!? Hey kids New York is far away from here, we are in Ohio!!
- Well, we know that far but it did not discourage us
- Hmmmm ..... OK., The documents are in order, I see you taking a beer but probably not drunk, any drugs you took?
- No, no ... no drugs, sheriff
- .... Well, have a nice trip .... wait, one more question. Why are you going to New York? .... by car, from Chicago!
- Hmmm, we are going to the concert tomorrow in New York City .... Anthrax, Slayer, Megadeth and ... Kenneth who else because I forgot this .. echhh and Metallica – said fatty. Thank you Sheriff .... Have a nice day.
They both began to get in the car. I wondered if what I hear is true?.
- Wait, wait .... you're going nowhere.
Suddenly, their faces pale
I felt fear
- What ?!!!. What do you have in mind that we are not going anywhere?
- Let me explain something to you .... when Sheriff Pat says that you are going nowhere, it’s mean that you're going nowhere. Is this clear?.  let's see what happens here. You kids are going to Metallica concert and You listen Poison in the car. Do I well understood?
Is this clear?
- But we only just for a moment - said fatty
- Shut up, no one ask You for your opinion Cappuccino!!!
- Canelloni. My name is Canelloni.
- Ok, ok .... it doesn’t matter .... Cappuccino. Get out of the car and Stand in front of a car
The kids were a little scared but stood politely in front of the car.
- You kids say that you're going to a concert in New York. So show me your t-shirt’s you wear underneath
- But why?
- I will not ask again - I said touching my ‘38
Fatty took off  his denim jacket and Kenneth gay green sweater. What I saw chilled me to the bone. Cappuccino had a Cinderella T-shirt and Kenneth Bon Jovi! BON JOVI!!!!!. Fuccckkkkk
Kill the posers
- Hands on head and legs wide - roared out loud
Fatty began to cry quietly
- Please do not hurt us!! said one after another
- Shut up. Listen kids. Something is wrong. You claim that you're going to a concert Slayer and Metallica to New York but in the car listening to Poison. But worst of all is that you wear shirts Cinderella and Bon Jovi ... and you want me to believe in this shit. Pat does not buy that shit. Do you understand?
Pat does not buy that shit...
- But we really ...
- Shut up. you're in really deep shit.... You mess with Pat, and Pat does not like when someone messes with him.
- But we really .... We worked the whole summer holiday at McDonald's and skimp on tickets

- Don’t lie to me kid ... show me tickets
Kenneth gave me shaking hands his ticket. I picked up a ticket. The dark object of desire of every self-respecting fan of heavy metal music. BIG4 - Anthrax, Megadeth, Slayer, Metallica.... METALLICA!!!!. Fuck. I wanted to go to the concert but my boss, broken dick did not give me leave. And yet it's quite expensive, even for the sheriff's from Ohio .... airplane, hotel, tickets to the concert, and some t-shirts, no ... way too expensive. I have in my hands ticket .... but completely useless for me. Hmmm, but I know one guy which collects the tickets and will surely be delighted with gift like this from me. Especially since I owe him something. I began to think and act ....
The dark object of desire of every self-respecting fan of heavy metal music
- Hey kids this ticket is fake!
- Hey Sheriff, we bought it on ebay along with certificate of authenticity !!!
- Hey Cappuccino, are you suggesting that I lie?
Cappuccino was pale and gray as his Bon Jovi shirt
- Both hands on the back. I need to check your car... Oh yes, manual brakes failed, no first aid kit, rear left headlight broken and some very, very interesting stuff  in the trunk...You kids are Bonnie and Clyde ???.... I need You to stop for 48 hours.
some very, very interesting stuff 
- What!! - Yelled the two
- Also stop your ticket. This is fake.
- But we cannot go to jail for 48 hours - said Kenneth. I want to call our family lawyer, I have a right to
- You have the right to close your mouth, It’s Ohio, we are not in the Chicago area with a rich mommy and daddy. But we can get it my way. I have a good day today. Ticket and your beer is for me and you're going to New York .... well unless you prefer to visit our jail and make new friends hahahahaa
hahahahahaha.....
- Well ..... we agree
- So take away from here your two skinny white asses, while Pat has a good humor. Kids quickly entered the car and disappeared from sight behind the next bend. I opened a can of beer, and I picked the phone to my brother. Hey bro, I've got for you a nice ticket to your collection. Cold beer tasted delicious. On the radio I heard the familiar sounds. I made louder. The State Road No. 33  resounded the most beautiful sounds in the world .... Die by my hand, I creep across the land ….I’m Creeping Deeeeeeath

 
Yeaahhhh, life is not so bad.

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