600 tickets in my collection is a fact. Behind the jubilee ticket No. 600
lies a short story. This story told me my brother Pat, the sheriff in southern
Ohio. Meet Pat and his story. By the way, please,
do not take the story too
seriously.
Day like every day, standard patrol on State Route No. 33 somewhere
amidst the endless fields of corn.
Just Ohio. You know what I mean. 
Bored sheriff Pat
The heat was unbearable and the only thing about which
I dreamed, it was a cold can of Coors beer. On the radio flew “Mama Said”. Did
I say “Mama Said”?. Well, maybe it was not my favorite song of Metallica but
it's better than all this new music .... You know ...gay boys bands, one hit
stars etc. Fuck. Why all these radio stations do not play songs like “Creeping
Death”?. Fuck the heat, fuck the thirst, fuck “Mama Said" !!!
[Boredom]
[Why not keep a car for inspection? Should be fun.]
I saw the car. I thought to
myself –[man, whoever
you are you are out of luck today]. It was not a sports sedan or
convertible but old battered Ford Fiesta. Car drove past me and stopped a few
feet in front of police car. I saw two young boys inside. [Probably drunk local farmers]. From inside the car you could hear
the deafening roar of the music.
...turn down the music!!!
- Turn down the
music, turn down the music ...and get off the car.
- Why?. We broke
a rule?
- Are You deaf?. Just get off the car ….and turn down the
music!!!
They both stood by the car.
- Kids, you have
any id’s?
Now I recognized the song that was coming from a tape
in the car. It was Poison song entitled “Cry Tough”. What a shit. They gave me their driver's license. Tony Canelloni and
Kenneth Goldblum. Both from Chicago. I looked at them. One fatty (around 112 kg) from Little
Italia and second dumb asshole from rich family probably from Lincoln
Park....Kenneth ? What a name!!.
- Where are you from kids?
- From Chicago (Kenneth answered)
- May I ask, where are You going?
- To New York – said fatty
- Where!? Hey kids New York is far
away from here, we are in Ohio!!
- Well, we know that far but it did
not discourage us
- Hmmmm ..... OK., The documents are
in order, I see you taking a beer but probably not drunk, any drugs you took?
- No, no ... no drugs, sheriff
- .... Well, have a nice trip ....
wait, one more question. Why are you going to New York? .... by car, from
Chicago!
- Hmmm, we are going to the concert
tomorrow in New York City .... Anthrax, Slayer, Megadeth and ... Kenneth who else
because I forgot this .. echhh and Metallica – said fatty. Thank you Sheriff .... Have a nice day.
They both began to get in the car. I wondered if what I hear is true?.
- Wait, wait .... you're going
nowhere.
Suddenly, their faces
pale
- What ?!!!. What do you have in mind that we
are not going anywhere?
- Let me explain something to you
.... when Sheriff Pat says that you are going nowhere, it’s mean that you're
going nowhere. Is this clear?. let's see what happens here. You
kids are going to Metallica concert and You listen Poison in the car. Do I well
understood?
- Shut up, no one ask You for your
opinion Cappuccino!!!
- Canelloni. My name is Canelloni.
- Ok, ok .... it doesn’t matter .... Cappuccino. Get out of the car and Stand in front of a car
The kids were a little scared but stood politely in front of the car.
- You kids say
that you're going to a concert in New York. So show me your t-shirt’s you wear
underneath
- But why?
- I will not ask
again - I said touching my ‘38
Fatty took off his denim jacket and Kenneth gay green sweater. What I saw
chilled me to the bone. Cappuccino had a Cinderella T-shirt and Kenneth Bon
Jovi! BON JOVI!!!!!. Fuccckkkkk
- Hands on head and legs wide -
roared out loud
Fatty began to cry quietly
- Please do not hurt us!! said one after another
- Shut up. Listen kids. Something is wrong. You claim that you're going
to a concert Slayer and Metallica to New York but in the car listening to
Poison. But worst of all is that you wear shirts Cinderella and Bon Jovi ...
and you want me to believe in this shit. Pat does not buy that shit. Do you
understand?
- But we really
...
- Shut up. you're in really deep shit.... You mess with Pat, and Pat does
not like when someone messes with him.
- But we really
.... We worked the whole summer holiday at McDonald's and skimp on tickets
- Don’t lie to me kid ... show me tickets
- Don’t lie to me kid ... show me tickets
Kenneth gave me shaking hands his ticket. I picked up a ticket. The dark
object of desire of every self-respecting fan of heavy metal music. BIG4 -
Anthrax, Megadeth, Slayer, Metallica.... METALLICA!!!!. Fuck. I wanted to go to
the concert but my boss, broken dick did not give me leave. And yet it's quite
expensive, even for the sheriff's from Ohio .... airplane, hotel, tickets to
the concert, and some t-shirts, no ... way too expensive. I have in my hands
ticket .... but completely useless for me. Hmmm, but I know one guy which collects the tickets and will surely
be delighted with gift like this from me. Especially since I owe him something.
I began to think and act ....
- Hey Sheriff, we bought it on ebay
along with certificate of authenticity !!!
- Hey Cappuccino, are you suggesting that I lie?
Cappuccino was pale and gray as his Bon Jovi shirt
- Both hands on
the back. I need to check your car... Oh
yes, manual brakes failed, no first aid kit, rear left headlight broken and some
very, very interesting stuff in the
trunk...You kids are Bonnie and Clyde ???.... I need You to stop for 48 hours.
- Also stop your
ticket. This is fake.
- But we cannot go to jail for 48
hours - said Kenneth. I want to call
our family lawyer, I have a right to
- You have the right to close your
mouth, It’s Ohio, we are not in the Chicago area with a rich mommy and daddy.
But we can get it my way. I have a good day today. Ticket and your beer is for
me and you're going to New York .... well unless you prefer to visit our jail
and make new friends hahahahaa
- Well ..... we agree
- So take away
from here your two skinny white asses, while Pat has a good humor. Kids quickly entered
the car and disappeared from sight behind the
next bend. I
opened a can of beer, and I picked the phone to my brother. Hey bro, I've got for you a nice ticket to
your collection. Cold
beer tasted delicious. On the radio I heard
the familiar sounds. I made louder. The State Road No. 33 resounded the most beautiful sounds in the
world .... Die by my hand,
I creep across the land ….I’m Creeping Deeeeeeath
